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So, here's a Supernatural fic I created for the spnland Minor Characters Challenge. The goal was to write a scene from the show from the POV of a minor character. I've gone through a few drafts and ... it still really isn't working. I had to post it for the challenge, but, ugh.

So, anybody willing to have a look and tell me what YOU think is wrong? I know the disconnected narrator is part of it, but what else? Too much telling-not-showing from the episode? *kicks the fic* Fluffy bunnies are always welcome, but I really want concrit here. Not that I'm wedded to making this particular fic the Great American Short Story, but I think this might be in a personal blind spot for me as a writer. If so, I might learn a lot from some honest concrit.

R-rated, Spoilers through 3x01, 'The Magnificent Seven'. Not Friends-locked - anybody who wants a swing at this piñata is welcome.

We burst out of the Hell Gate, a roiling black cloud of power and sin the likes of which has not been seen on Earth for millennia. We shatter the iron that seeks to contain us. Far behind us, Azazel falls, and with it his control. We are unleashed on a world with billions of human souls. I am cold, always cold, and they blaze with the heat I need. I spiral down towards two teenagers in their car.

His fingers brush down her stomach and tuck under the waistband of her jeans. She gasps. ‘You okay?’ he asks, trying to sound gentle, all the while praying that she won’t stop him.

I need more than their innocent fornication.

A wife embraces her lover in a filthy motel bed. Her nails claw down his back as he shoves inside her, but she’s ready, she needs it. All week while Allen droned away about the merger, this was all she could think about. ‘Gonna make you scream,’ he promises.

Adultery is a tasty sin, but I’m in the mood for something a bit fresher.

A pretty young waitress is blowing a man behind the bar. Jerry’s such an asshole. Didn’t even wait for her to finish the prep work before he pushed her down to her knees. It’s humiliating, and so fucking good, choking on his dick when a customer could walk in and catch them.

Mmmm, shame and arousal, such a heady cocktail. I settle into the waitress and amuse myself with the bartender until my brothers arrive.

There was a plan. We were supposed to form the heart of a demon army. I was meant to be searching out the most powerful humans, seducing and subjugating them to Azazel’s will. But now Azazel’s gone and we are free.

Sloth finally arrives and we sit down to make a plan of our own. Pride wants to set himself up as leader of the army, but the rest of us prefer to start small. Settle into this little town; have some fun while we gather our power. Once there are no humans left we can move on to bigger and better things.

A pair of hunters saunter into the bar. Gluttony disposes of the male. Then the Winchesters arrive. Sam Winchester was meant to be our Boy King, but at a glance I can tell he’s refused the mantle. He could have ruled us. Instead he’s playing human.

His brother, though. The human that killed Azazel. Dean Winchester is interesting. Dean fights with grace and ferocity like a good hard fuck. He drips with barely restrained desires. And he’s already damned. I can taste his soul from here, a sweet-burnt sacrifice.

The Winchesters trap Envy and escape. The others would have chased right after them, but I take the time to stake my claim on Dean Winchester. Once our meat suits have healed up from the resulting scrap, we follow the hunters back to their den. They’ve already sent Envy back to Hell, but that’s fine. That bitch never could keep her claws off what’s mine, and I want Dean all to myself.

I corner Dean in the bathroom. He recognizes me. It’s been so long since I had a toy that knew exactly what it was getting into.

“Baby, I'm whatever you want me to be,” I promise him.

Dean flinches at whatever images his own mind conjures in response to my suggestion. Oh, this is going to be so much fun.

“Just stay back,” he warns me.

“Or what?”

“Good point,” he mutters, still backing away. My presence is rousing his own lust. I can sense it, hurling itself at the walls Dean has put up, starting to break free.

“I'm not gonna hurt you -- not yet. Not unless you want me to,” I say. And he will want me to. He’ll beg for it, in the end. They all do. That’s my favorite part.

I run my hand along Dean’s chest. With a groan, he pulls me into a kiss. His desire is rising from the depths. Not the kind satisfied by a simple, easy fuck. No, this is the lust that called to me from across a bar. The kind of desperate, forbidden need that takes, and breaks, and leaves nothing but ash in its wake.

Dean stumbles back against the bathroom wall and shoves me face-down into the tub. It’s – pain. Burning, drowning, agony. Holy water. I scream, not for help but because I can’t stop myself. He pulls me up out of the tub by the hair. Shirt clinging to my form, pained whimper escaping, I feel his cock pressed hard against my ass, his lust shining bright and hungry. He shoves me under again, Latin harsh and distorted through the water until darkness takes me.

Trapped in Hell again. I fume at having had so little time free to enjoy humanity’s sins. Still, Dean will be down here soon enough. I’ll need to speak to Alastair right away, so we can prepare a proper reception for him.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
riazendira
Jul. 30th, 2010 07:26 am (UTC)
Ok, this may not be at all helpful because I've never actually seen the show in question... but purely from a story perspective I'll toss out a few observations.

You have a lot of frustration, passion, power, ambition in the build up... then you wrap it all up really really quickly with a nonchalance that seems odd compared to what came before. I got that this was a demon who's clearly seen and done it all... but to have that much drive and then just let it all go with a "oh, it will happen like this eventually" seems a bit odd. It goes from hot lust to chill let down to quickly. It needs more mad cackling at the end I guess.

Additionally... you use great descriptors for the WHERE of everything in the build up, which adds something to the reader's ability to feel the moment of the story, but the end is just "Hell"... no description, no place feel to put the reader in the moment.

Does that help at all? Hope so. If not, apologies.
keerawa
Jul. 30th, 2010 07:51 am (UTC)
That's tremendously helpful, ria, I'll ponder on that and see what I can do with it.

(And it's a pleasure to meet you, btw!)
riazendira
Jul. 30th, 2010 08:02 am (UTC)
*waves* I've been a lurking on your journal since you wrote something that I was just delighted by a while back... mind you I can't remember what exactly it was, but I'm quite sure that's how I came to friend you. I've since been pulled ever further into the land of fandom, now I actually beta and write stuff myself. I'm not quite sure how that happened. Anywho, nice to meet you too, and any time you need story review, feel free to toss it in my general direction. I do enjoy a good story and you do write a good story. :-D
keerawa
Jul. 30th, 2010 08:51 pm (UTC)
I'm not quite sure how that happened.
Oh, fandom's a slippery slope! One day you're reading, the next you find yourself writing, and pretty soon you're going to conventions and designing t-shirts!
(Deleted comment)
keerawa
Jul. 30th, 2010 08:11 am (UTC)
framed as something personal to Lust
That makes all kinds of sense, thanks somnolent_blue!
malnpudl
Jul. 30th, 2010 08:45 am (UTC)
Is the first person POV required? It's hard to pull off exposition in 1st person in such a very short, condensed story, and still keep the reader engaged. Did you try writing it in 3rd person limited?

More important, you've got moments of tremendous intensity, but they're all broken up with -- and diluted by -- "and then this happened and then that happened." This is where you lose my emotional investment in the story. Then I have to work to get myself invested again when the intensity ramps back up, only to have the story take another detour.

What if you started with Lust taking the waitress -- though I'd suggest a more powerful and aggressive/possessive phrase than "settling in" -- and took it from there? Wallowing in the shame/arousal and physical sensations could be intertwined with thoughts salting in small nuggets of information, just enough to let the reader place herself in the sequence of events.

Most of all, focus on keeping the reader inside Lust's mind. It should be powerful and uncomfortable for me, as the reader, even as you make me hungry to stay in it. Make it matter to me.
keerawa
Jul. 31st, 2010 07:58 pm (UTC)
I think the first-person IS required here, although I'm not sure why. I tried writing it 3rd, and it wouldn't cooperate.

That's a really great idea, starting with the possession and having moments of reflection scattered through.

It should be powerful and uncomfortable for me, as the reader, even as you make me hungry to stay in it.
Ooooh, you're good. Yeah, that's really the heart of the fic. Thanks, mal!
juddcorizan
Jul. 31st, 2010 04:08 pm (UTC)
28 Question Meme from 7-20
Hi Keerawa-

I'm Judd Corizan from the blog Sunday Stealing. Every week we rip a meme off someone's blog. Today we chose yours. We give you full credit and link back to your blog. The great thing is that a lot of previous "victims" such as yourself have become regular players! We usually publish the blog between 3 and 6 PM EDT Saturday. We usually get between 50 to 80 people who play and comment on each other's responses. And a lot of our players are previous victims of our theft like you! We hope you play along in the weeks to come! Thank you and have a great day...

Judd
keerawa
Jul. 31st, 2010 07:59 pm (UTC)
Re: 28 Question Meme from 7-20
Huh, what a peculair thing. Thanks for letting me know, Judd!
write_light
Aug. 13th, 2010 05:04 am (UTC)
I notice several things that could be done differently -

The intro paragraph: the first few words could be struck; it's narrative and I know it seems necessary, but it could be woven into the second part of that sentence to give a stronger start.

You're going for 1st person POV but that means really thinking like a demon. E.g.: Would demons call it the Hell Gate? Might they have some other way of referencing it, something angrier? Would a demon pass up "innocent" fornication and adultery? Possibly, but it makes her seem the opposite of needy. I know you're building toward the woman blowing the guy, shame/etc., but a desperate demon wouldn't be so calm about the fun she could have, esp. if she's Lust. She won't turn her nose up, she'll be drawn to each of them like a dog sniffs every tree, wanting every lust, and enraged when it isn't enough - have her be a demon, burn through these people and still not be satisfied. BE the LUST. :D

Further E.g.: Why say "the Winchesters trap Envy and escape" when you could say something in Lust's own words to match what's before that line [sweet-burnt soul] and after it "They've already sent Envy back, that bitch."? There are some awkward changes from POV to narration and back, and from intensely personal POV with immediacy to generic thoughts POV about longterm plans. Part of this comes from the 1st person POV which can't be used to narrate long segments - because no one does that.

The Lust POV is great, but it needs to focus on a specific scene or be broken into a series of scenes where we can hear her think and speak, not tell what's happening. The next to last, where she's in the holy water is almost there, but "trapped in Hell again" is a huge jump in time/place/mood and it comes off rather peeved, not DAMNED For All Eternity and coming to terms with that.

I like it, but you might try speaking Lust's ideas out loud and then gradually letting it go so that she can speak for herself. Remember that she's got some towering emotions.
keerawa
Aug. 13th, 2010 06:45 am (UTC)
Let Lust's emotions power it, burn through it. Yeah. That's some really fantastic, insightful concrit there, thank you, write_light!
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )