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Feedback Exchange Compilation

Written for amy_star_, and posted here according to iamtheenemy's Feedback Exchange by-laws.

AtS ficlet Snakeskin
Great start, with the detail of his legs feeling cramped because he's not used to driving long distances. I really do like this story, and I can buy your characterization of Lindsey completely.

Since you requested concrit, I'm a little hazy on where this occurs in the AtS timeline, and I think you could push it up a notch with a bit more sensory description.

I particularly enjoy stories where the external details tell us something about the internal landscape of the character. So two parts of this fic stand out in my mind.

The first is the freedom of the open road as a metaphor for Lindsey's freedom to choose who he wants to become. The second (although I'm not even sure if you intended this, or if it's just me) is the comparison between Lindsey and his truck. It's like some essential part of his nature, kept hidden all those years in LA because he viewed it as an embarrassment. Now it might not look like much, but out on the open road it runs "like a beauty".

Nicely done!

SPN ficlet, Brother's Keeper
First of all, I admire you for having the guts to write a major character death story. I'm glad you requested that I read and feedback this one, because it is incredibly difficult to get people to read fic with such hard-core warnings.

"Sam!" His breath is ragged; it's a while before he can call out again.
This is a great sentence. It evoked for me that almost claustrophobic sense when you are out of breath, your heart is pounding, and it makes it hard to hear anything.

I literally had a cold shiver run down my spine when I read those last two sentences. Dean, dying of this horrifying wound, and the best he can hope for is ... that. Destruction of all he'd tried so desperately to save in his life. Ugh.

Powerful stuff.

AtS ficlet Angel-POV for Reprise
The 1st time I read this, the format threw me, and I didn't think it really worked. The 2nd time I liked it. I've now read it 5 times, and it gets better every time.

he's lost the mission is so Angel.

the architect of his despair. He should feel... something. Despair, indeed, pushing him into a formless desperation.

The color metaphor works beautifully, and as I re-read the piece, the formatting forces my mind to pause at each image, just where it should.

SPN cross-over fic written for cabana_club, We're Definitely NOT in Kansas
I like Lorne's voice here, although I'm surprised that one of his fondest wishes was to become human.

I love the brothers' paranoid response as they try to pin down their last memory. Poor guys don't even know what STATE they were in.

"And where the hell is my car?"
*laughs* That's Dean for you.

We're Definitely NOT in Kansas part 2"
Stick to the interior edges, keep a wall to your back, and if you need anything or find out anything, come find me.
That could be their rules for interacting with people anywhere in the world who aren't named Winchester.

It's hard for me to imagine Teal'c being this relaxed and open anywhere in the multi-verse. It is indeed possible that we may not exist in your reality, nor you in ours is SUCH a mindfuck.

We're Definitely NOT in Kansas part 3"
I'm sure Will Ryker would appreciate the cabana, and he and Dean would hit it off. I like him comparing Teal'c to Worf.

I realize this is a WIP that you haven't touched for almost a year, so please feel free to completely ignore this. But if you want to continue with it, here's my advice.

Right now, it feels less like a story, and more like a transcript of some fun RP. (Which I guess it is!) To make a story, I would consider classic dramatic structure. What you have written so far is a good, solid set of exposition, introducing the setting and characters. Now it needs that inciting moment.

Maybe the cabana ISN'T safe. Maybe they try to leave, and can't. Maybe something threatens all of them from the outside. Maybe some familiar enemy appears. Something.

Then the story can take off and fly.

SPN ficlet Shoot from the Hip, written for spn_holidays gift for storydivagirl

Sam and Dean's voices ring true. I like the affectionate-abusive tone of the dialogue between them.

I can just imagine Sam refusing to answer the phone, until Dean finally showed up (slept with his roomate's girlfriend!) and hung out with him. Dad waiting back at the motel, hoping that Sammy was miserable and would come home. Poor guy.

Great details about Sam keeping up those basic safety precautions in his dorm room.

"What the hell happened? Dean, tell me you didn't kill Dad for the car!"

Action scenes are tough to write, but you kept the emotion and the violence flowing nicely during the chupacabra fight.

The funny thing is, Sam had FUN. Shooting things, the feel of a blade in his hand, setting fire to stuff with Dean all felt homey and good to Sam. Right up until Dad showed up and pointed out that he'd been hunting. Then it was all bad.

And what a reaction Dad had. Follwoing them was pretty damn paranoid, of course. When did he get drunk? Was that jealousy, that Sam had gone hunting with Dean, that bizarre accusation that he'd been hunting all along at Stanford? Interesting. Very, very interesting.

Dean was caught in the middle, as always. Like a life spent hunting monsters isn't tough enough.

I love it when canon has these big holes that only fanfiction can fix.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Apr. 24th, 2007 07:10 am (UTC)
*rolls around in teh FB*

I haven't allowed myself to read any of this before, because I hadn't finished my assignment yet... I'll respond to the original posts probably tomorrow after work. :D
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )